GOD'S COMMANDMENTS


  1. Alcohol must go from the Lord's table!
  2. I forbid, under the threat of the world's end, to kill and eat animals, except for the fish caught in a net that have died a natural death. The fishing rod is criminal! From among the animal products, milk and eggs are allowed.
  3. All the priests must marry!
  4. The Jews must accept baptism! But if they do that falsely, I will annihilate them without a trace. Do not do any harm to them now, they are under Jesus' protection.
  5. Believe in the words of Jesus and His Apostles, but the entire Holy Scripture must be brought down to earth.
  6. I forbid, under the threat of the world's end, to use your reproduction organs for games!
  7. No noisy machines in holy places!
  8. Respect the shells from Easter eggs and the Christmas trees.
  9. Love the animals and their young, and do them no harm, they are your friends.
  10. Show respect to Nature, it makes your life happy.
  11. Love one another, you may not meet again.
  12. Do not despair, there will always be enough food for everyone, harvests will be plentiful, and I myself will watch over the multiplying of animals. Human happiness does not rest on food and drink alone.
  13. Do not search for signs of life in the solar system, you won't find them there.
  14. Be polite, prompt and punctual; respect your clients, they are your employers.
  15. I won't speak to everybody, trust your prophetic dreams...
  16. If you don't understand, ask the chosen ones, they will have the power to forgive your sins and to give the Holy Communion under the one and only form of bread. No-one must interfere with them, or I will punish him with death!
  17. Do not worry, I'll give you more than I have taken away from you. I'll give you more happiness that's so scarce in this world, all illnesses shall disappear, people will live long lives, they will be beautiful, and will perform miracles.
  18. There must be divorces! They have to be witnessed by both priests and lay officials but the last word belongs to the priests because they know what they're doing.
  19. Treat the mentally ill well for they are sure to go to heaven.
  20. Justice must be limitless; a person must always have a chance to prove his innocence through the endless chain of appellations.
  21. I command you to observe the secret of the confessional, the confessor must guard it like his own soul.

If this is not sufficient for you, I'll send a portent!

These are the commandments revealed by God the Father to Mr. Jerzy Nowak, the Spirit of God, the Comforter.